Innocent Mind
Thoughts of purity
The mind is awake
Knowledge is retained
Unfortunately the innocence will never remain the same
I wish for the day that innocence would come
Purity would cleanse the darkness I have become
If only I could turn back to when life was fun
I would see that I was dancing within the glowing sun
Not a care in the world, no feelings to be felt
So innocent, so pure, and never needing help
These days are just a memory from teh days before the pain, before you came and stabbed me...
A thousand wounds remain
The truth has come to kill me
And all is lost it seems
It has come to take away my innocence and dreams
No longer shall I question, what lies outside the lines
The truth has killed me many times and destroyed my innocent mind
The curious child who lives within, will never seek no more
What is outside to be seen, is not welcome anymore
Only hurt and misery fill my mind and leave a constant pain
The sun has left forever, and out has come the rain
The innocence retreats as teh darkness has won
The small existence of sanity has began to run
Truths of pain..
Truths of hurt..
Truths best unknown..
Why has the truth caused so much pain?
Why is there no remorse?
Because this mind of innocence, has gone from worse to worst
There is no cure for me, forever I am cursed
The mmeories of the dancing sun have cleared in all the rain
There is no truth, there is no lie, there is no loss or gain
The blood has leaked outside my brain, frozen within time
Before it hits the ground, a scar is carved into my mind
The final drops of blood have fell...
Endless pain remains
The mind is shattered and the brain is weak, for nothing is the same
Within this mind of shattered glass remains a bloody stain
Someday, somehow, I wish I could, I wish with all my might
That twinkle star that shines so bright will shine its light tonight
But only a dream, never to occur, I pray both day and night
Within this world of darkness and pain remain only minds of plight
Somewhere inside deep, deep inside, there must be something clean
Shrouded in darkness lies a light to innocence and dreams...
The mind is awake
Knowledge is retained
Unfortunately the innocence will never remain the same
I wish for the day that innocence would come
Purity would cleanse the darkness I have become
If only I could turn back to when life was fun
I would see that I was dancing within the glowing sun
Not a care in the world, no feelings to be felt
So innocent, so pure, and never needing help
These days are just a memory from teh days before the pain, before you came and stabbed me...
A thousand wounds remain
The truth has come to kill me
And all is lost it seems
It has come to take away my innocence and dreams
No longer shall I question, what lies outside the lines
The truth has killed me many times and destroyed my innocent mind
The curious child who lives within, will never seek no more
What is outside to be seen, is not welcome anymore
Only hurt and misery fill my mind and leave a constant pain
The sun has left forever, and out has come the rain
The innocence retreats as teh darkness has won
The small existence of sanity has began to run
Truths of pain..
Truths of hurt..
Truths best unknown..
Why has the truth caused so much pain?
Why is there no remorse?
Because this mind of innocence, has gone from worse to worst
There is no cure for me, forever I am cursed
The mmeories of the dancing sun have cleared in all the rain
There is no truth, there is no lie, there is no loss or gain
The blood has leaked outside my brain, frozen within time
Before it hits the ground, a scar is carved into my mind
The final drops of blood have fell...
Endless pain remains
The mind is shattered and the brain is weak, for nothing is the same
Within this mind of shattered glass remains a bloody stain
Someday, somehow, I wish I could, I wish with all my might
That twinkle star that shines so bright will shine its light tonight
But only a dream, never to occur, I pray both day and night
Within this world of darkness and pain remain only minds of plight
Somewhere inside deep, deep inside, there must be something clean
Shrouded in darkness lies a light to innocence and dreams...
posted by Shh-adow at 6:24 PM
2 Comments:
I like the rhythm and such. I don't even know if I spelled that right.
Some suggestions... you get across what you're trying to say really well, but why not use some metaphor or more imagery? Instead of being literal, like "I wish for the day that innocence would come", you could try something more symbolic. I think it would make the piece more poetic and expressive, rather than just prose broken up into lines -- the end starts to get more like this, but you could try it in the rest of the poem too.
These are all just suggestions, obviously. Poetry is poetry and you write what you feel and I'm definitely not skilled enough at it to have any opinions worth listening to unquestioningly. :P So it is up to you. Nice work :)
You are maturing nicely as a poet and I believe that this is one of the best. I love the use of parallel structure which creates emphasis for some of the important points. I also love the allusion to "Starlight, star bright." Some pointers, poetry doesn't have to be straightforward and sometime using more abstract terms will create a more moving poem. For example, "finny prey" sounds better then "fish" and it's a joy to the read to deduce what the words actually refer to. But keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more.
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